Always and Never Sure

I miss how in love I was with him. I miss that feeling – always sure. I don’t know how many times I have felt sure about anything in the past 10 years as much as I thought in my mind how sure I was about him. My heart was ringing true melodies throughout my veins and my whole body was numb because nothing hurt. Nothing hurts now even; it’s just that feeling of love that caused the numbing sensation, maybe it was some kind of a natural high. Now it’s just the familiarity-of-being-without-someone numbing. It’s that independence with which I’m so in tune. I daydream where we’d be now if he would have cared like me: openly. If he would have said it every time he thought it. It’s funny how time passes and you see love seal in marriage or promise in a ring. It’s funny that I attend all of these weddings without him even though we could have so easily been first. I use him as a joke most of the time now whenever his name is brought up. Can I still call it healing? Most of these years I’ve felt the other feeling associated with men — never sure.  It’s been years since the always part and sooner than later those years will double, and he’ll be left further and further into the past. But I’m really fine with that. I really am fine.

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