Sometimes I just want to punch… I don’t know who or if it’s a what that I want to punch, but I want to take my fist backward and strike. There’s a frustration that matches my blood type. The urge spreads like a disease through my weak veins I can see in my wrists when I clench my hands into fists. Just for fun, I make my knuckles turn white, like the fighters in the movies. White knuckles are cliché during rage… it’s something people look for to sense what kind of mood someone’s in. I do it because I can’t convince myself that I’m really angry unless there’s something visible.
Most emotions stay inside where they’re happy… when I’m not happy. Why take down everyone with you when it can easily be soothed with a distraction and an appreciation of no one asking about your progress in mood.
“Are you feeling better?”
No. No I’m not.
“Yes, thank you,” and smile.
Who knows, maybe I’m not mad. It could be hormones or an imbalance that’s undiagnosed — something a man would blame if there were one around. It’s weird not knowing how you feel when you can cover it so naturally, a foundation on your heart to blend in like all the other ones around – red, pumping blood to keep you walking, alive.
I wonder if humans physically wore their hearts on their sleeves if it would be visible when breaking. I wonder if people would not look at one’s face to determine their mood and instead direct their attention to their heart. I think a few people do that now – really dig to find out the answers to the brokenness or the reason for the health. People dig to find out the secret of happiness or the optimism of a person who has mastered the smile. “How can I be that happy?” they wonder. People rarely dig to find out the reason for the imperfection. If hearts were worn in the open, people would probably aim for it more often. It would be assumed it would be more vulnerable. But I wonder: can a heart get any more vulnerable?
And we call it human nature. Heartbreaks and breaking hearts are human nature. Dreams of the unrealistic desire is human nature. Violence is human nature. But if you can’t point at the reason for the momentary – or permanent – rage, why should you act on it? To feel a moment’s relief? To get it over with and move on to more productive things? To heal?
Band-Aids aren’t big enough.