Tag Archives: funny

Disney characters: Where are they now?

Note: The links are specifically for my fiction writing class. We are exploring telling a story through digital avenues. I chose a blog with links and design principles. Explore around. And remember this is obviously fictionalized.

Good evening, and welcome to the Disney Diaries, where I provide you with stories centered on the harsh realities these Disney characters are living after their 9 to 5 job of shaking hands with five year olds and posing for photographs that will only be placed in a photo album the fanny-packed parents buy for an overpriced $50 at the Disney store. I search for stories that you want on characters you remember all those years ago. You won’t believe where they are today. Click the links to view the story from the newspaper pages.

Our first story comes to us from the Divorce Chronicle, Snow White divorces Jon, forest gypsy files slander.

Snow White has hit a wall. White is now experiencing what nearly 60 percent of the U.S. population is: divorce. After adopting all seven dwarfs – Sleepy, Sneezey, Dopey, Doc, Grumpy, Happy, and Bashful – in 1940, Snow White went and “hi ho-ed” in search for Mr. Right. He wasn’t easy to find with all the short baggage she carried with her, but eventually she came across a young Korean man named Jon.

“Jon and I are very happy,” Snow White said in a 1940 interview shortly after their engagement. “The dwarfs already call him Daddy.”

Jon – not to be confused with John Smith – was a dwarf too, who lived in Pennsylvania. The seven dwarfs looked more like Jon than Kate, err Snow White, and that added a certain sparkle to the couple.

Taking care of seven dwarfs can be a challenge, especially now that her prince charming ran out on her after sleeping with a forest gypsy. Jon said he “just couldn’t help himself.” He believes he may have been sprinkled with “tempting dust” and would never cheat sober.

They’ve only held one movie deal in 1938, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” which is what we all know to be a gem in the mining cave of Disney movies. Snow White wanted more screen time with the dwarfs, but once Jon left and the dwarfs ran amuck, the TVs were turned off, and the producer’s attention turned to the Duggars and their semi-successful life on marriage and mass production.

Now, the dwarfs aren’t allowed to sing “Hi Ho” as they go off to work because Jon’s forest gypsy has filed a slander suit, accusing the seven dwarfs and Snow White of calling her a ho in public. Jon was lately seen on the steps of their new straw home – bought from the first little pig – making a statement in support of the ban.

“’Ho’ is a word used to describe a woman who sleeps around, and from what I know, my gypsy’s only sleeping with me and Tiger Woods. She’s no ho,” Jon said, ending the press conference. From the back of the crowd came a profound voice, “You lie!” We couldn’t get to the bystander in time to interview.

In other news, the Disney Dispatch headlines Pooh asks for a name change.

Winnie the Pooh has filed a complaint to the makers of his animated show, “Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day,” stating he is tired of toddlers confusing the “h” with a “p” resulting in a mispronunciation of his name.

“Winnie the Poop is not my name,” Pooh said in an interview. “Ohh bother.”

He said he sat on his log and thought for about three days in the Hundred Acre Woods until coming up with a plan to file this complaint.

“I put my paw up to my head and said, ‘Think, think, think’ until I thought of something,” Pooh said.

He then recalled his hungry belly afterward.

“After that, I want to Owl’s for some honey… and legal advice.”

Owl could not be reached for comment but a message was hammered to his tree truck to reply. On the document the Disney Docket Courthouse provided, Owl is written as Pooh’s attorney.

Will Winnie the Pooh be forever known as Winnie the Poop to two year olds, or will justice be served and speech lessons mandatory for today’s toddlers? Check back for updates.

Finally news from the north in the entertainment department. Straight from the Antarctic Weekly, Happy Feet star hits Broadway.

Mumble, star of the 2006 Academy Award winning movie Happy Feet, will be tapping his way across the New York stage on Broadway.

After his fourth audition to join Broadway, Mumble finally got a callback. During his childhood years, he was the underdog. With no singing talent like the other Emperor penguins, Mumble focused on his natural talents of dancing. Mumble’s Emperor penguin peers shunned him.

“I was teased a lot by my peers while I starred in Happy Feet because I couldn’t sing. Once I met my Adelie penguin friends, I found my talent acceptable,” Mumble beaked. “It inspired me to seek out Lovelace for my next step.”

Mumble said Lovelace predicted he’d dance on Broadway one day. Mumble took the plunge and applied for the Broadway Dance Center in New York City.

Mumble said dancing had always come naturally.

He took classes at the Broadway Dance Center in New York City during the winter months after his escape from the Antarctic in 2007. Gloria moved with him to attend Julliard to continue her singing career.

“When Gloria sings, it darn near breaks your heart,” Mumble said, reaching over to take Gloria’s wing. “The others would sing along with her, but I’d catch the tune with my feet in the back of the crowd.”

Mumble joined the line of dancers with his Adelie penguin friend, Ramon, in his self-written “Heart Song” Broadway production.

Gloria has been hired to be the main musician, providing her delicate vocals.

“It’s an honor to be singing in Mumbles masterpiece. I’m very proud of him,” Gloria said, smiling over at fiancé Mumble. The couple was engaged Thursday, the night Mumble was recruited by Broadway.

“Heart Song” will be centered on the heroic journey of penguins in the Antarctic. It will include dance numbers depicting the mate selection process, which is ultimately singing that matches the male with the female penguin but Mumble switches it up with tap dancing.

“The performance is how my world was and how I found my Gloria by just being my tap-dancing, misfit self,” Mumble said.

“Heart Song” will premiere in December 2010. Tickets will go on sale June 1.

That’s all for now, check back for updates and more Disney news. This is brought to you by TLC Network and Teddy Grahams.

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“What’s your boy situation?”

by Jennifer M Dryden (c) 2009

Ping

“Hey, what’s up?” (Insert any of my girl friends’ names here) enters.

“Not much, you?”

The conversation goes on like any normal person’s might. You talk about classes, family feuds, roommate drama, plans for the weekend, and, of course, boys. Even if you don’t have one, this question still arises and most of the time you have something to respond with – some new crush or an old flame that will never burn out completely. The question either comes out of my fingertips or hers after a long pause in search of the next topic that will help us procrastinate homework a little longer. Her fingertips beat mine. “So, what’s your boy situation?”

“Hmmm,” I enter, racking my brain for my answer choices. Well, I could talk about the ex, but we’re just friends now. I could talk about this guy I’m crushing on, but that’s pointless because I’m moving in June. I could talk about hot male celebrities but let’s get real, Jenn, Robert Pattinson won’t ever marry you. I know I’m out of options unless I want to throw myself into either a dark night of depression or a too sarcastic version of me explaining that Edward Cullen will sweep me off my feet one day. Both are dumb ways to spend my precious hour of procrastination. I’d rather do homework. So I enter, “Nonexistant.”

That about sums it up. My boy situation is nonexistent. I’m not lying. What are lying are my heart’s feelings for the same boy, and my head that Mr. Right will someday sweep me off my feet with my idealistic pick-up line. It’ll go something like this:

“Hey…  Your writing is amazing. I’d like to get to know you more.” Mr. Right will say in my dream world. “Can I take you out for dinner to (insert Italian restaurant in NYC here)?”

My reply will be a most definite, “Yes,” and we’ll have dinner and order some kind of expensive chocolate raspberry cake laced with both dark and milk chocolate with just a dab of whipped cream on top for dessert. He’ll bring along, not just a delicate white lily, but a copy of my latest book/short story with his comments and edits. He’ll be charming but not too perfect. He’ll challenge me with his honest notes on my book and we’ll sit up at a 24-hour coffee shop editing each other’s unpublished drafts until dawn.

Man, that would be… if I’m remembering right… my best date EVER. How perfect would that be? Pretty perfect. It wouldn’t be about how I looked, dressed, or spoke because I don’t dress in body-flaunting tight clothes, or clap my way through a tile hallway with my six-inch heels. I don’t put on a pound of foundation brushed with bronzer to accent my cheekbones because that’s not who I am day to day. The guy I will meet will love me for me and in order to do that will need to see me for me. That’s someone who is most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, who has nice clothes for nice events but doesn’t consider going out for pizza a fashion show opportunity. I wear glasses on Sundays to give my eyes a rest from contacts and I swipe eyeliner on in the morning and call it good most days.

If my outsides and insides were switched, I’m positive I’d win Miss Universe. I’m one of the most dependable people you’ll meet; I get things done right and on time. I’ve been told my smile saved someone’s life once and because of that I try to be happy and smile every day. I crack sarcastic and lame jokes, and exaggerate my hand movements and facial expressions when telling a story. I fall asleep to the Disney channel and find myself laughing really loud at Wizards of Waverly Place (which is on at 10 p.m. every night if you were wondering). My laugh is never quiet no matter the venue and, no, I won’t quiet down. I eat my sandwiches plain – ham, swiss, salt/pepper – and drink hot cocoa instead of coffee. I believe in God, and that my brother is a good person despite his prison placement. One of my flaws is making life-changing decisions; the only thing I’m 100 percent sure on is I want to be a mom some day. I have places I want to go, some I’d like to live in. I’m absolutely in love with Cincinnati, not only for its Skyline cheese coneys, but for the family who go along with it.

I sound like sugar and spice and everything nice, but I’m a challenge and, I, in return, like to be challenged. I like to debate topics I’m passionate about and listen to sides I’m not familiar with. I love football (actually getting a Bengals Ochocinco jersey for Christmas), which attracts most boys from “hello,” but I’m a fan of the Twilight Saga and that usually pushes them away again. I’m a homerun and a strike out every other day. I have my flaws and maybe those have nothing to do with my nonexistent boy situation. I can only speak on my best girl friends’ boy situations, my past ones, and my dream world. I’m okay with that… for now.

So maybe I shouldn’t type “nonexistent.” Maybe I should say something philosophical like “Ask me later.” Or maybe the question should be refined to something totally exaggerated like, “What’s your latest theory as to what your boy situation will be in the next ten years?” Yeah, I like that one. That way I could procrastinate homework and tell her something.

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Cinderella – from the stepsister’s point of view

Note: I wrote this my junior year in high school for a voice exercise in my creative writing class. I love it.

by Jennifer M. Dryden (c) 2005

“And they lived happily ever after,” huh yeah right. If you were me, you would have spit on that heart-felt moment. I was supposed to be the sexy bride that got all the attention. The one that guys would whistle at while you walked by, strutting your stuff. But once again that poor, ugly excuse of a stepsister would get all the public attention, that I, a booty-licious, beautiful lady deserved. But anyway, that ring should have been mine! That night of the ball, where supposedly Cinderella made the most handsome prince fall in love with her, yeah… I danced so much that my feet swelled up. So when the prince’s right-hand-man came to fit the mysterious shoe, my feet were too big. I tried to correct the man and tell him the whole stinking story, when Miss Priss came stomping down the stairs. Mum tried to tell the man that she was dirt and that a shoe that pretty didn’t belong to an ugly thing like that. But I guess the brain-less dude was deaf, because he did it anyway. And that shoe suddenly became the nastiest thing that ever came to Earth. It fit her! Can you believe it? The “slipper” (as the rich call it) fit Cinderella! That little-footed prince stealer! She stole my man, my wealth, and my happy ending too! So in my mind this lovely story that all of you gullible people think is so sweet, is a bunch of bull. I was supposed to laugh in Cinderella’s face and prove her wrong! Now I’m left in the dark where none of my perfect features can be noticed. Happily ever after? Ha, I think not!

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